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Hunger Strike

I've been on hunger strike for a while now. It is an angry reply to many people. A bottled up reaction that has finally erupted.

Yet, I still get hungry. I haven't eaten a grain of rice for 3 days.

My stomach burns.

Shall I have chicken? that's bad... I've been amusing myself with far too much PETA videos recently.

Why am I not a vegetarian? yes... I have been given a choice. It is better and it will make myself feel better if I make the the choice to eat only vegetables. Rather than having a natural allergy which automatically deprives one of a chance to see what kind of choices she'll make.

I hate school. It has been utmost boring. I have realised that I do not enjoy physics. I think Mathematics are good.

Perhaps I really should write to Astro. Ask them if theycould sponsor me. I'll offer my services to their network. I mean, duh.. why wouldn't a person work for Astro???

Felt strange...

Just a while ago I read of Miyavi's decision to "graduate" from PS Company.

Indeed, I feel a loss as I have not had time to watch most of his PS stints. I only actually started liking visual kei sometime ago. Although Miyavi's not that visually shocking, he's still part of PSC. Just a slight pang of guilt for not pursuing PSC Miyavi earlier, you know watch him goof about with the other bands and say to myself, "those people are really good friends".

Soon, I'll have to reminisce, cause he won't be in PSC's anniversary's or year end concerts anymore. Ah... he'll still be around till April so I'll get high over PSC Miyavi until then.

Of course, as a new fan that isn't exactly a loyal fangirl (surely not, compared to all those people out there), it makes little difference to me which company he's with. Just a slight disappointment at not being able to embrace all those good memories others had.

His decision sent another reminder to me. I've always felt that staying or sticking to one place is the safest. I thought it was loyalty. And if I wanted to return, things would never be the same. It's a bit like Jose Mourinho returning to Chelsea. The glamour fades off, like Robbie Keane's departure from Liverpool back to Tottenham.

I sort of made an indistinctable promise, a transparent string made from jelly that can dissolve if the fluid of new chances flow. Something like that, that's how it feels really. I  wanted to stay, stay in one place.

As always, after I put my foot down to something, my heart yearns for the opposite. A strange desire that disguised itself just moments before when I made a big decision. There was not a week, or month... err.... well... any logical period of time that exists in my timeframe... hmmm..... okie... so I did start opting for changes. Bounces and leaps from here to there and everywhere. I planned to do one course and then another, from a totally different background.

Just shows that sometimes, we have to move on. To explore. It's really not just my world. It is our world. The world's world. Everybody lives here. Miyavi's not the only person in my life, I'm not the only fan in his life, I'm not the only student in my school and honestly speaking, I doubt that I'm the only strange person in this world. Meow.... hahaha..... we've all got many people in our lives. Give some and take some, it's something important that I learned. We've gotta end some give-take relationships...

Not taking anything is equivalent to taking everything. I heard that from a drama... hahaha... but it makes sense doesn' it? it does. If ya look at it from the give-and-take concept's angle of viewpoint.

meow.... that's it today.... too much... can't get into youtube. I am supposed to do mathematics. However, I believe I can do with some practice at writing. okie, smileys... byebye humans..... drink lots of water....

PS: Protect children. What does recumbent mean??
 

Smooth horizon leading the way

Didn't sleep properly. Still feel a trace of drowsiness lingering on my lids. Just felt, desired, deeply wished to hear Miyavi's voice again. So I came online despite the urge to lunge into bed.

I wonder.... if I can ever make enough friends in this cyber world. Be sincere enough to read their posts and for them to read mine. I wonder. Sincerity has long eluded me, or rather, I have strayed from it.

My  eyesight is deteriorating. This morning, the moon was spellbinding. Shone like a jewel from the skies of heaven, the steps of infinity. It shone more than it should, My eyesight is deteriorating. The glow hit me as I stared, wondering if I could stop this slow sickness. Eating away my eyes. Making my lenses thicker. I think....  no... thinner, I use convex lenses.

Yet, as I marched on toward my bus, a silent voice, quiet and hushed as if singing a lullaby, whispering a secret only two souls will ever know, poked me in the ear. My mind turned around, the smooth horizon held no trace of red... still embraced by the dark night. He told me, there is not a moment I am glad that I became nervous for. I'll sweep my shaking nerves away and bask in the honest sunshine he's created. One day, I shall have mine.

I took step after step, the smooth horizon, winking a twinge of pink, leading the way.

Blank mind

My mind is blank. I need to write a killer script. I used to be able to think of something, some theme to start off with and I'll do fine. Now, I don't even know what to do. The title's too free. Somebody needs to give me a genre or title or something.

I can't even write much these days. I either don't feel anything or feel that I'm wasting my time trying to write nonsense. AAAAAAAA!!!!!! HELP!!!!!! I'm blank!!!!!! I'm emotionless. Sometimes, I don't even have the will to live. It's so boring. This is year has the best prospects for me, everything I ever wanted, I've got it this year. WHY CAN'T I START WORKING???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh yeah, since my mind was so blank. I wrote a diary entry for my essay last week. All abstract stuff. For the first time in my entire life, I got a B for English essay. That's a good thing cause it proves that I can finally improve my English. I won't take English for granted. Always showed up for English test without even preparing and got As. Just use your brain to imagine the standard of English the environment I was in had. I like my new English teacher, he's good. Finally I'm not TEACHER'S PET AT FIRST ESSAY. Finally, I'm not the one with the special abilities. I just want to be the normal kid that has her abilities found. Not the weird kid that has HUGE TALENTS expected out of her. I mean, HEY PEOPLE!!! GET A LIFE!!!!!!!! Why can't you treat me badly??!!! Why can't you stop being nice to me?? Why do you waste so much of your time on me?? I'm trying to get out of people's way here! I can take care of myself.

I'm too lucky for my own good. Everything has been smooth sailing. I've got a hell of brain that thinks like me, I'm super happy that I ended up as me. I've the best life possible for me! I need some hardships!!!!!!!!! I need to suffer!!!! How can I get all these goodies when other humans work so hard to get them???? I need to work!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WORK HARD!!!!!!!! That's why I envy those Johnny's artists so much. They get to work and work and hate to wake up and get forced to work and be disciplined and at such a young age, they have something they can work on! They can spend their youth doing something!

I've lost many things I had to work on. I quit them all. The only thing I have left is drama and hate to admit it but academic achievements. The latter doesn't mean much, I'm super against the education system. But then, nowadays, I well... I should learn to learn again. I wanna do this drama. I want to. It's about the only thing I can logically focus my energy on right now. Why can't I focus?? Focus! Focus! I have to do something. Meditating might help a little. Food isn't really helping much, only helps procrastinating. SOMETHING!!!!!!!